My mom is a pirate. My dad used to be a pirate, but he found his happy thought.
If you have ever seen the movie Hook, you know what I’m talking about. For those of you that haven’t:
Pirates are those people who ‘Grew up’, they are ‘Grown ups’.
They lost their happy thought somewhere along the way and forgot how to fly.
I hope I never forget how to fly.
Most people don’t realize when they lose their happy thought, it just kind of happens.
You know my mother as X Mrs. Bulletholes, I’ll just call her Momma. Momma works. Momma works a lot. Momma tries very hard to be everything to her children and at work, but she can’t. It’s just not humanly possible. Her expectations of herself are going to lead to a nervous break down, and she’s already half there. When something goes wrong, she tries to micromanage everything so that it will all be o.k. in the end.
I don’t think she realizes that some things she thinks are going wrong are just taking the scenic route on the path through life.
Momma expects everyone around her to be perfect as well, I think. I was upset and told her that maybe I didn’t want to go to college, and she sent me to the counselor at school. Do all moms stress you out more than help sometimes?
Mine does.
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9 comments:
Oh dear... I've been down this route :-(
You know, as a mum of four, all I want to do is what's right for my children.
I think I'm helping, but I'm just stressing them out by my questions.
I remind them they need to make a decision (eg such as your college one) and they feel it as pressure.
I try to have fun with them, and I'm just 'annoying' (well, not most of the time, but sometimes :-D).
I see them getting fed up because they can't find things in the built-up mess, so tell them to clear up... and they end up grumping at me, even though they prefer it tidy.
I try to make things 'fair' for them - to do things for them, but not do too much that they are incapable of helping themselves... I end up doing too much, and getting upset they aren't doing more.
I want to help my children in any possible way I can... but my help, though taken when needed, is seen as 'interference' when not.
Yes, it's easy to lose sight of that 'happy thought'... These days, I'm more careful to create a space for myself (such as my writing a novel I've always dreamed of at the moment, or taking photos, or blogging..) because, when I'm happy, I find the kids are happy too. And, conversely, when I'm grumpy, everyone else is grumpy too...a knock-on effect.
I guess, what I'm trying to say is that I sometimes make the same mistake as your mum - get wrapped up in everybody else's life, instead of taking a moment for my own.
Try to give your mum a set of crayons and a bit of paper, and she'd probably look at you blankly [What the heck am I supposed to do with these? Write a shopping list in different colours?] ... but, tell your mum that you feel it's really important to you that you both sit down and just do something silly for five minutes, and (if she's willing to do this ) she might just have a 'moment', where she's transported back to when she had no cares and worries, and responsibilities didn't sit as a black cloud above her head. My doctor prescribed this treatment for me over a year ago...
My mum had gone into a home with alzheimer's, my best friend from school was told her cancer was back in force, and my daughter (then 15) had school anxiety problems, and my other children were being affected by it all. It was a mini hell on earth. And my doctor prescribed, amonst other things, to 'do something creative'. Told me to get out the crayons, be a kid again. I almost laughed in his face - have time for fun? You have to be kidding!
You know what? It worked! Not straight away, because I was so skeptical. But just getting out colouring pencils and doodling silly things reminded me I was once a child, with dreams.
I truly hope your mum finds her happy thought or place... it's so important to have one!! Give her a hug - it might just help! :-)
And, from your point of view? Apart from being patient with your mum, maybe you can help her become less stressed, by showing her you can do stuff yourself (she's had 18 years of doing it for you...maybe time to change that) and maybe 'play' with her somehow. Make life a little more fun for the two of you?
I realise I've gone on a bit, but I know what it's like from a mum's point of view... easy forget that there's more to life than worrying about stuff!!
Nobody's perfect. Not your mum, not you, not anyone. Not even close! We're just the best we can be at the time!
Hi Water baby.
It's hard when you're the kid to get into the parent headspace that naturally commands them to be responsible and caring too. This is a huge pressure to be totally in charge of another small human being and good parents take this seriously, sometimes trying too hard to be the perfect parent. But at least you know it's coming from a good place in their hearts.
It is tough for them to let go and allow you to make decisions on their own. it is a new role for you as well as them.
What Annelisa says is good...to find the "silly fun factor" and to share this loose time showing this with you in some way. Bowling? Something that might be a mutual frun interest. Then, you wouldn't just see her as the uptight parent pushing her ideas at you.
I can see both sides as I'm somewhat like a kid still myself...I still fly...I love the kids I teach and am fanciful and creative...but I'm not a mom. I still have my mom and sometimes I hear her trying to direct me on what I should do with my hair etc. Maybe that's just part of their role and the territory that they can never give up. But I know she means well.
I think maybe you can view your mom's "interference" or strong suggestions as not putting pressure on you to do the perfect thing or what she wants, but as just trying to make sure you're aware of the options.
Maybe have a sit-down calm conversation of whay you both think you're suited for and why. Then thank her for her concern and for giving her view, and for considering what you think as valid. Tell her to have confidence that you will make the best decision you can, on your own.
I hope that you will always have your happy thought and be able to fly, and that your mom will find this. It's like in The Polar Express...to always hear the bell because you believe. My dad is 87 and he still believes..so do I!
Hi Water baby,
I love your image of a happy thought...raising 3 children, a step-daughter and facing a divorce (as well as having bipolar disorder) makes me want a whole basket full of happy thoughts.....
So as I read, I see my own pirate ways, suffocating the joy out of my precious ones.....ones that I love so fiercely - you can never know until you experience motherhood yourself. I believe it is this fierceness that toughens us mothers up a bit, losing sight of some of the more important bits and pieces.
But we moms feel selfish at times, trying to steal a moment here, a moment there to ourselves to find our happy thoughts....inevitably dirty laundry calls us or a messy house, endless taxi duties, childhood crisis', dating advice, grades, and yes the ever important decision: what am I going to do with my life?
It is only natural as a mother, to want your children to have a better life than your own....to not repeat the same mistakes along the way. To experience a good education so you can obtain a better paying job - not have to rely on another to keep you......so yes, we push......and forget that the best way to learn is to fall down, get up and brush ourselves off again....I hope I let my children fall down more often. I hope they come to see the fierceness of my love was to protect them, to cocoon them from the world for the very brief moment that they are innocent and full of fantasy and happy thoughts.
In the meantime, I shall try and grab onto more happy thoughts for myself. Sometimes I am better at it than others......I say silly things at the wrong time and my kids tease me unmercifully for it. We love watching silly movies: Will Ferrell a favorite; the Office and endlessly repeat our favorite lines (she was a laser beam of hotness!) My oldest son, 14, and I created a secret handshake just yesterday - we copied the one from The Office......I sit and listen and eat chocolate chip cookies with them and drink a big glass of milk and get a white mustache....sometimes I will fart and blame it on the dog, too.
And I try to stay connected to people like your dad - whose infectious love of life and happy thoughts gets me through the rough days.
Thank you for your poignant reminder, beautiful writing.....and get your mom to eat some cookies with you, watch a really dumb movie, and just giggle.....giggles are good. So are blowing bubbles....
much love, water baby
red dirt girl
Nice replies RDG and Annelisa. I hope that you found even a little bit of all we said a tad insightful. Also hope you're chatting with your own friends and getting their views too.
You sound like a very intelligent and articulate girl, so I can see you at college or university at some point in your life, but it really is up to you.
Yall are awesomeneslyful... he he...
I really didn't expect that much of a response when my dad said yall commented, I expected a few sentences...
Thanks annelisa, mom, and red dirt girl, all three of you helped me see it from her prospective, I needed that. I know this isn't much very often, but I try... lol...
You are so welcome! I'm glad it helped.
Yes, you are trying which is way past what most people your age do!
Having taught many kids, I'm always interested to hear their perspective. Keep writng...I want to hear all about Grad and your plans for next year. I'm wondering if you'll do Marching Band somewhere!???
After your dad's post about your band recital (is that what you call it?) when you're given a piece to play without seeing it before, I just wanted to come and say two things - how I envy your ability to sight read music (I always had to work out every note back in school) and congratulations on your obviously excellent progress through the music world, and being able to give performances like this in the first place!!
But, now I'm here, I'd also like to add that I think you must be a very special young lady, to be trying to think of your parents' points of view - it's not always easy at your age to make the leap of imagination possible, but trying is a big step!
Yeah, we three - MOI, RDG and myself - all very different perspecitves on life, but I think we'd agree that we can see how a person with a lot of responsibilitys and worries might forget how to fly... and we've all three got a lot to say, apparently, on the subject :-D
As long as it helped... even just a little :-)
You are one wise child. Your parents are lucky to have someone as outspoken and thoughtful as you for their off-spring. Keep writing, wondering and wishing. And, hopefully, more of us older folks will find our happy thought and enjoy the scenic route more often.
You are one wise child. Your parents are lucky to have someone as outspoken and thoughtful as you for their off-spring. Keep writing, wondering and wishing. And, hopefully, more of us older folks will find our happy thought and enjoy the scenic route more often.
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